Tonight was the game night group I try to go to with my husband each week. There’s been a lot of weeks in the past where I’m feeling too much pain, and I’ve skipped it. But starting in January I decided I’d try go each week, in spite of any pain. We always have fun together, and it’s a good social group. I try to pace myself to make sure I feel up to it.

My physical therapist has encouraged me by saying it is very unlikely I’ll injure myself walking around, being social, and doing things in daily life.

Tonight, a little before we were going to be picked up by a couple to carpool with, my pain in my knee was flaring sky high. It itched like the devil. It was cruel and loud. It felt like an injury.

Though feeling fraught with the decision, I decided to go because there didn’t seem to be a reason for pain to be there. On a daily basis I’m trying to remind myself that though it feels acute, just like it did after I injured it, it’s probably just chronic pain, as I’ve been educated about and encouraged to believe. Sometimes my pain escalates and then disappears after I’ve arrived wherever I’m going, like the jitters of getting there were the cause of it all.

My pain stayed pretty high tonight, but it was fun playing bananagrams, having some wine and pie, and socializing. It did get me out of my head and took my mind off my pain. I’m sure I feel better than if I had stayed at home alone.

The problem is staying at home always feels safer and doesn’t involve any risks. Living and doing with pain feels like it takes so much courage. It’s scary and it hurts. But the problem with staying home is my life gets smaller and smaller.

I sort of had to limp in the door and into bed once I got home. I feel like I barely made it out alive… but it’s likely “just chronic pain”.

To everyone else it’s a fun weekly game night. To me it’s like I’m putting on armor and going into battle and hoping I survive. I know that’s ridiculous. I do usually forget about all this for awhile while I’m having fun, which I guess is what recovery could look like.

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