Acceptance

Oooooh acceptance. You are so challenging.

One day in the pain clinic we were discussing acceptance with the group. One participant who is so kind and I really respect said, “Acceptance is about getting where you want to go, so so slowly, while taking care of yourself and bringing all of your body parts with you, so that when you arrive at your goal, you’ve made it in one piece.”

I loved this because it really challenged my pedal to the metal way of doing things.

I’ve been thinking a lot about acceptance lately because some days I wonder if I’ll ever really recover from where I am now or if I’ll always have chronic pain and such limited mobility. I think at the beginning of my journey starting the pain clinic my thinking was that I was going to get better god dammit and life wouldn’t stay this way. Now, I’m just hoping it changes, while taking care of myself and slowly trying to be courageous and push toward the direction I want to go with everything I’ve learned about chronic pain, and all my tools and support.

Lately I’ve realized that with all the talk about acceptance I’ve absorbed from the pain clinic, I’ve only really scratched the surface. I’ve accepted my condition and gotten all the answers I can. I’ve made life changes and started pacing myself, facing my fears, and communicating my needs with others. I’ve learned that acceptance is important for problem solving and working from where I am. However, I’m doing this all while thinking “I will get over this and it won’t be this way forever.” It’s like there’s a strong undercurrent of denial right under the acceptance. Which is kind of laughable. I’ve been starting to think that maybe there’s a deeper level of acceptance I am starting to scratch, which is really about making the most out of the life that is right here. Right now. And that scares me so much, because that’s really accepting I have chronic pain. I’ll just let this marinate and see what comes of it.

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